Had a LiveJournal once.

I enjoyed that. However to go back and read it today, I would probably throw up. Wrote about things like the new green shirt I bought. (or new green official NBA headband). Or about the 7 bud lights and 5 tequila poppers I consumed the night before. Then I would list every person that was there. Different point in my life. Though that seems like another paragraph all-together. (Thats called foreshadowing?... Though not very subtle)

So I seem to have started a blog. I don't even know what the word means. Does it stand for something? Like B.L.O.G.? No matter. I didn't mean to, but I have one now. I was trying to read SJ's, and ended up starting my own. I recall having a following of like 10-15 people on LJ. Now I assume it will just be Pat and Sarah. The two best writers I know. Words to them seem so much more. To me, not so much. One might say... A string of consonants and vowels? I would love to be able to write like that. I have much to say it seems. But don't know how to say it in any manner that one might comprehend as writing. That wont stop me from typing away. Pretending my world is following.

Jumping right in:

I have grown more in the past year, then in the rest of my life combined. I have called four different places home. I had my heart broken for the first time. Then I met the person I was going to marry. Then had my heart broken for a second time. Throughout it all, rediscovering, time and time again, the love of my best friend. And the undying love of a mother.

At times I miss living at pearl street. Those feelings usually vanish once I visit for more then five minutes. I could move back today if I wanted too, I just don't see the point. What I do miss is living down stairs at pearl street. I was there a short time, but its the last place I lived, that felt like home. It's the first time I truly lived alone. And I can see why people love it. If I could get that back... I would it give some serious thought. Finally I ended up at "home" The home my parents reside in that is. The place I spent the first twenty years of my life. I go there now and feel so out of place, like Im staying at a hotel. I have gotten used to it, but I still wake up some nights and need to look around to figure out where exactly I am sleeping. Funny thing is, it took me moving out of Sarah's to make it feel like home to me. Weird, but in the month or so that I lived there I was still adjusting to calling it home. Still had some sleepless nights trying to adjust. Now, when I spend the night there as a guest, it feels like Im supposed to be there. It feels like home, now, when all my stuff is gone, when the house looks the way it did before we knew one another existed. (Well, one more puppy, and some different furniture.) Now, when all that I have there is a boxing glove, phone charger, soap and maybe a change of socks... I can get to sleep without a problem. Honestly, I think its because Im sleeping next to her again, and didn't realize how much I truly needed that until I left.

It was after my first heartbreak, that I think I changed the most. Not that I was trying to. But it seemed to happen. I started living alone. And got to do nothing but focus on me. Who I was, who I wanted to be. And how to get there. I sat back and watched that relationship crumble. Not wanting it to. I wanted it to work in the worst way. And I had a partner that was extremely dedicated to making it work. Despite all the signs that were telling us we shouldn't be together. I don't know how it happened, I should say, I don't know how I got to the point of letting it happen. The love never went away for me during any part of the relationship. I hate to say that I stopped caring, or just got tired of the constant struggle of making it work. I hate to say that cause it's the person I apparently was then. I think thats what happened. I saw the relationship slowly ending, and couldn't help save it. In the end, where Im at now, Im glad it ended, it had to. Not sure there's anyone that would disagree with me. Im not proud of the way it ended, but I wouldn't change it. It got me to the place Im at.

Without that first love, the next love wouldn't have been remotely possible. The first real love, and first real heartbreak, are necessary in most cases. Sometimes your first love is the one thats supposed to last forever. In some rare cases it does. For me, the first's were much needed. Because without having them, and feeling the love and pain that it came with, I wouldn't be at the place Im at now. I wouldn't be able to comprehend the amazing love I have found in Rocca. When I thought that it was gone temporarily... Thats how I knew how powerful it was. It was a different kind of pain. I didn't feel it the first time. I had never felt anything even close to it.

It's weird. Having so much in common, with somebody who is so unlike you on paper. I suppose thats what love is. I was a few months out of a huge break-up. And dedicated to not committing to something again for a long while. Wanted to play the single game for awhile and see where it got me. Knowing the whole time how much I hated the life of a single 22 year old male. I know plenty of guys like that, and was never one of them. Mainly I suppose because I was in a relationship right out of high school, up until I turned 22. I never did the whole bar scene as a single guy. I tried it for a couple months and hated it. But I knew it was a necessary evil. I knew if I tried to look for something real I would never find it. So I stopped looking. And It was thrust at me.

I went to a friends birthday party. Expecting to be with about fifteen to twenty strangers. But there was just this one other Beautiful girl sitting in the room. After evaluating the situation, and realizing that I was not indeed being set up, I relaxed a little. I secretly made it my mission to try and get her to like me. After all I was trying to do the single thing, and if its just gonna be me, her, birthday boy and his lady... What else was I supposed to do? Then the name Max came up... "Shit, Im out...Boyfriend? Husband? Oh god, is it her kid? It's her dog! Okay, It's on again" Then I found out we would be going out dancing. "Shit, now Im defiantly out..."

Problem was, it was kinda too easy to talk to her. She ended up being funny. And when I realized I actually liked her a little, I got upset. I had planned on failing my mission, but was ok with that, figuring I would hardly talk to her and never see her again. But when I wanted her to like me... because I liked her, I knew I was in trouble. We were after all going out to dance. I had the "In, no out" conversation in my head about three hundred times. She had (has) crazy sex appeal. It was odd. I had never seen it before. She had her hair up, little to no make-up. But she was still sexier then everyone else there. I dont know what it was. If it was a quiet confidence. Or just natural beauty. I think a little of both. But it was sexy as hell. She didnt say more then two words to me when she was dancing, and I was "dancing". But she got scary close at some points. "Im, so in." The last dance of the night she shared with Turtle from ENTOURAGE. "Seriously! That guy? Im GLAD Im out!" During the next nine hours, we waited for a cab, And this is when I finally met her for the first time. I entertained a drunk guy, while she contemplated throwing him in traffic. He helped us bond, and we didn't even need to speak to each other. "This is going great, she's hilarious and gorgeous. How old am I?" The stranger asked? "twenty-two." Then he asked her.

When she answered, she was looking at me. Apparently hoping for some sort of reaction. I hear she got one... "Well shit... That settles it, Im out."

Having fallen the way I did, I of course found her on Myspace/Facebook. Not caring that I stood no chance. I figured she might have some fun pictures for me to look at while fantasizing about an older women. Checked her myspace over and over... Came close to not friending her when her myspace name appeared to be "Engaged girl" Reading however is essential, and I learned that she was not engaged. But just really mad at something apparently. Thus began the chase. I didn't know how to play that game. I had only ever done it with girls. Didn't know how a women played it. I remained skeptical. Even after she gave me her number. Which put me in a state of shock for the rest of the night. I had just gotten somebody's number. Half of me was excited. The other half didn't know what it meant. I treasured it. As we exchanged texts during the next couple weeks while out with friends or while laying in bed. I spent all my time wondering why the hell she was talking to me. Honestly convinced, that she was looking for a little excitement with a younger guy. I figured she would maybe hang out with me once, to have a good time, and get it out of her system. I didn't show it, but I was upset. Cause before we even went out, I was falling hard for her.We agreed to go on a date. Turns out it was just as weird a thing for her, as it was for me. Going out on a date. Silly right? I don't remember how it went to be honest, because the entire time I was there, I was focused on not showing my age, and making her come to the realization that she was ten years older then me. We left, and I decided I was going to hold her hand. She let me. I became all sorts of flustered. The kind of flustered I got when she got real close to me the night we met, and I saw the crazy sex appeal. Only I noticed something different this time. I still don't know what it was. All I knew, was at that moment, I had to kiss her.

Here I am. About nine months later. Having never felt this way about a women before. Literally falling more in love everyday.

Oh, tell your mother you love her. I promise you don't do it enough.

I plan on using this semi-consistently. I will try to not make them all about my sappy, boring life. There's plenty of things that I don't like. So stay tuned for some hate.

~Sunshine~